A TALE OF TWO CITIES

I’m not sure of the story’s origin, but when it was told to me during the Summer of 2013 it started a personal journey for me that I will be forever grateful for…


Bert was a traveller. Whilst on his path he spotted an elderly gentleman sitting on a bench just on the outskirts of the city he was approaching.  After engaging in conversation, he asked "What are the people like in this community?"
The elderly gentleman carefully studied the traveller and asked, "What were the people like in the last city you visited?"

"Oh!" replied Bert with a frown, "They were not so nice.  They were distant, devious, untrustworthy, just trying to get an edge on me and even trying to cheat me.  I really had to watch out for myself all the time.  Not at all a good experience!"
The elderly gentleman also frowned and answered "Well, in this city, the people are pretty much the same".



A little later, another traveller named Deirdre approached the same elderly gentleman, still sitting on the bench. After a short conversation, the traveller put to him the same question: "What are the people like in this community?".  The elderly gentleman also returned the usual question "What were the people like in the previous city you visited?".
With a smile, Deirdre said: "Really great! They were open, friendly, always volunteering help and offering direction.  I felt really welcomed and had such a wonderful time!"  The elderly gentlemen smiled back and answered "Well, in this city, the people are pretty much the same".



- This story is a useful metaphor of how we often travel throughout life, from place to place, team to team, organisation to organisation, relationship to relationship, often carrying a same inner perspective. 

Repeatedly, we confirm what we believe to be out there, as we move on to different environments.  Perception alone is well known to be a projection and ultimately a self-fulfilling prophecy.



Whilst coaching in personal development, it’s quite mystifying to witness how many individuals and professionals move from company to company, from team to team, from boss to boss, from partner to partner, etc. in the hopes that they will experience a different pattern or outcomes.  Only to confirm a fundamentally similar and repetitive type of conclusion.

“The grass always seems greener on the other side” goes the saying… but the trouble is that we often take ‘our’ grass with us.

Luckily, there are ways to counterbalance this type of self-confirming cycle. 

Could the experienced elderly gentleman have been a future or solution-oriented guide? For example, he could have asked: "What kinds of people are you looking to meet?" Or: "Can you describe the ideal community for you’re looking for?".

When we ask ourselves these sorts of questions, we define our desired futures more accurately and have a clearer vision for all the different contexts in which we want to interact and grow.

Doing this can help us have a different expectation, open ourselves up to new experiences or versions of reality and go on to confirm that these are indeed possible to achieve.

Now, starting your mental journey as a life traveller.  What would your ideal city look like in which you want to live and work?

Dealing with 'The Hole'

We’ve all been there, some of us many times.

I’m talking about ‘The Hole’!

That big black pit of sorrow and despair, where it seems there’s never a way out.

Even if by some deep found super power we somehow manage to scramble a way out ourselves it’s never without struggle or losing a massive part of our true selves.

Not everyone has that hidden reserve of super power to call upon in times we find ourselves in a hole, but if given the right tools and with an openness to accept a new way of thinking, it’s ‘totally’ doable.

There once was a young girl who would quite often, innocently, take the appearance of a big hole to be that of nothing more than a little puddle. She would see a puddle in front of her and instead of walking the long, drawn out, bumpy route around the puddle, she would choose the quicker route and jump in!

“It’s just a little puddle” she thought, “I won’t be boring and waste all that time tip toeing around the puddle, everyone else’s doing that, it looks so bloomin’ miserable,

it’s waaaaay quicker to splash my way through it with a smile on my face”.

So, she pulled on her funky welly boots and jumped right into the puddle with both feet!

“Ah!!!! Crud” she thought, “this is not an innocent looking puddle”,

As the depth of the hole was way deeper than she could see, the water in the bottom was now right up to her chin and the funky wellies that should have kept her feet dry were now full of water and weighing her down.

“There’s no way out”, “I know I’m trapped and totally stuck” she thought. “I need to yell for help but I’m too proud and embarrassed to ask, if I took the time to listen, the people around me, warned me”. “They weren’t the faces of miserable people, they were faces of people who have fallen in this hole before and know to walk around it”.

Feeling utterly stuck in the hole she looked around for help.

-       The first person to walk close by was a good friend “are you alright down there?”

“Yeah” she said with a massive fake smile, “ha ha, I’ve stupidly fallen into a hole, but it’s alright I’ll be out in a minuet”, “have a great day” and the friend continued on their way.

-       The second person to walk close by was a family member “Oh, you’re in a hole”, “Didn’t I teach you not to jump in”? “You better get out” and the family member continued on their way.

-       The third person to walk close by was aware of the hole but too busy looking at their phone to even notice the girl was stuck inside of it.

“Oh crikey” thought the girl, “I’m doomed”!

-       The next person to walk past the girl was a councillor, “Excuse me, I appear to have got myself into a bit of a hole, could you please tell me how to get out?”

“Well I am a little busy at the moment” said the councillor, “but I can quickly fit you in for £45”. “Okay” said the girl “It’s worth it to get out of this hole” “I’m really quite tired and miserable now”.

So, the councillor asked and repeated many questions “How did you end up in the hole”? “How does the hole make you feel”?

Forty-five minutes’ past and the councillor said, “I’m sorry but our time’s up for today, I’ll see you the same time next week”.

At this point the girl began to feel totally desperate, she wasn’t eating or sleeping and felt totally alone.

-       The girl called out to a passing doctor. “HELLO”! “CAN YOU HELP ME”? “I’M TOTALLY STUCK IN A HOLE, I CAN’T EAT, I CAN’T SLEEP AND I CAN’T SEEM TO GET MYSELF OUT” The doctor walked over to the girl, “Certainly my dear, I can help” “Here’s a prescription, try this for a few weeks and if you see no improvement call me back and I will prescribe you something else”

At this point the girl began to crumble, her egger, happy, positive face disappeared and tears of despair rolled down her cheeks.

-       Just when all hope seemed lost a man walked past, a familiar face, an old friend and work colleague, “Hey you! How ya doing’”? “Hey” said the girl, “How are you”? “I’m good” said the man “But you look like you’re in need of some help?” “Maybe a little” said the girl. She told the old friend all about how she got stuck in ‘the hole’ and all the things she tried to get out, but the hole was too deep and there was absolutely no way out.

The old friend didn’t hesitate! He kicked off his shoes and ‘JUMPED’ into the hole with the girl. “What are you doing”? said the girl, “I’ve been in this hole before” said the friend “and I can show you how to get out” The friend used his experience of the hole and the all knowledge he had gained learning how to escape it and coached the girl out.

On the way out the girl gained strength, knowledge, direction and the skills to get out of the hole if she ever found herself in one again.

You see the hole itself was never the problem.

The Doctor, The Councillor, The Family Member even the Passer-By only ever knew ‘The Hole’ as being the problem.

But the friend and coach didn’t care about ‘the hole’ or how the girl ended up in it.

He knew the actual problem was the girls’ perception of herself as being ‘stuck’ and she just needed the tools and knowledge he had to climb out.

The friend had the empathy to relate to the girls’ story and the knowledge to jump in with her.

The Hole isn’t the problem, getting in there isn’t the problem, the perception you can’t get out and that you’re alone is…. Look for those friends with experience who can show you/coach you the way out. ‘A Coach’ is also a friend, a friend who will hold you to account and share with you their tools for getting you out of the hole.

With best wishes from the girl who’s fallen in many holes,

Your friend L-J